Rejuvenation therapy

Three great guys - the massage therapists

These guys know my body pretty well by now. They have seen it lying on their massage table every day for three and a half weeks and they’ve done their best to reshape it. They know how to beat my back and stomach so the bruises don’t show – one of those techniques said to be taught by the North Korean secret police to Third World security forces around the globe. 

I am joking, of course, just joking, but only just! 

Sometimes I lay there thinking “- what in heaven’s name am I doing here...?” while they persuaded me to eat or drink some vile concoction or lie still, breathing deeply while they injected me from the rear. Today was said to be luxurious relaxation, but it wasn’t long before I began to wonder if it was all some sort of charade that they staged for their amusement.

They sat me down on a stool and started to attack my head. It could have been a massage, but it incorporated some pretty hefty blows to the skull and full-bodied side-swipes. Smiling all the while, the therapists then took handfuls of warm, gritty mud and started to massage it into my scalp. After a couple of minutes I looked like the butt of the joke in some scene of slapstick clowning, and while I waited for the doctor to burst through the door with a custard pie in each hand, the second therapist produced a large banana leaf and a ribbon of tape and proceeded to shape this into a crown which he tied around my head. Fortunately there are no mirrors in the treatment room.

I eyed the two guys with suspicion and expected one of them to crack up with the Hindi or Malayalam equivalent of “Got You! April Fool!” but their expressions remained serious and stern. When I asked what happened next they explained that I would now have a full body massage, and the liquid used would be a smooth puree of rice that had been cooked in milk for 48 hours with 5 different herbs. Could I still take them seriously? Smothered in herbal rice pudding and have it massaged into most – if not all – of my crevices...?

So I climbed onto the massage table and they set to, stimulating an indescribably uncomfortable sensation as the sticky, slimy liquid was smoothed over my entire body and pummelled in with herbal bags for half an hour. Later I found out they were absolutely right, this slushy liquid did do wonders for my skin but even when they rinsed it off and left me lying on a dangerously slippery massage table, I still wondered if they were having me on.

Then I realised that if they left the banana leaf on my head, then it was probably a joke, but when they removed it and gently shampooed the mud out of my hair, I realised that this really had been their genuine rejuvenation treatment.

So now you know. 

Not sure if I look or feel any younger, though.