You’re going to put it WHERE ?

Panchakarma is one of the eight disciplines of Ayurvedic medicine. Others include geriatrics, paediatrics, ENT, gynaecology and so forth. To the Western mind, Panchakarma is the odd one out that we don’t see in Western medicine, because it means cleansing. Panchakarma incorporates the Hindi word for 5 – panch – because Panchakarma consists of five cleansing procedures.

AYV (AyurvedaYogaVillas.com) is one of the few establishments that offer the real thing. Elsewhere throughout Kerala, Indian hoteliers are not stupid, and if tourists want to sample an exotic massage or a short course of treatment then they are not going to turn away trade. Consequently centres offering Ayurvedic treatments appear everywhere, and most resorts and hotels in Kerala offer programmes from single sessions to a 1-week programme or longer. But an Ayurvedic treatment isn’t like a massage at the Beauty Spa of the Taj Hotel in Bombay, nor is it like a massage in the back streets of Bangkok, and nor is it like a muscle massage by the physio’ at the local Sports Centre. In Ayurvedic terms, a massage is just one element in a complex course and should not be taken out of context or used in isolation. So, since most people wouldn’t want to invest 28 days in a serious course of unconventional treatment, very few of those who sample a taste of Ayurveda actually experience a true Panchakarma.

Through doctor's window

The first treatment in classic Panchakarma builds up to the vomiting therapy. The second treatment combines medicines administered through nasal drops with different types of massage and the liquid drip across the forehead. My final treatment – next weekend - will be a powerful laxative after which I will enjoy a couple of days of relaxing “rejuvenation therapy.” While my personal interpretation of such therapy would almost certainly involve peeled grapes and dusky maidens, I fear that here at AYV it will probably incorporate more of the disgusting herbal potions that the doctors here like to prescribe.

So what of phases 3 & 4, you may be wondering? The doctor explained that these steps would continue to work on breaking down the fat cells in my stomach and back areas by two methods. One would be a vigorous massage being pounded with muslin pads stuffed with a herbal mixture and heated in a wok on the hob. As I now know, the therapists don’t hold back with this and I’m surprised I’m not covered in bruises. The other method, he explained, would be the application of very powerful decoctions that would get straight into the digestive system through the wall of the large intestine. I could see that this latter procedure made wonderful sense; I could envisage it as a sort of internal liposuction process, and I warmed to the idea of my stomach gently melting away without any further effort on my part.

Until I asked how this process worked.

“By enema. We introduce the decoction through the anal region.”

Stunned silence.

“You’re going to put it WHERE?” I asked, timidly. (Yes, I can do timid.)

And in his gentle inimitable way the doctor explained that I would have soft, manipulative stomach massages, then on Days 1, 3 and 5 I would have a small enema of oil, and on days 2 and 4 the enema would be a up to three quarters of a litre (heck! -that’s a full bottle of wine!) of heavily medicated solution incorporating mustard, pepper.... but you just don’t want to know, do you? It’s too much information, just too much information....

That’s quite enough blogging about medical processes, the starvation, the painful yoga and the sour, bitter, disgusting medicines. Tomorrow I’ll see if I can knock out a piece on something harmless like traditional Kerala dance, or the houseboats on the inland waterways, or harvesting peppercorns and other spices. I’ll find a topic that’s a bit less graphic. I apologise, dear readers, for even thinking about describing this part of Panchakarma

It was totally thoughtless of me; - I mean NOBODY would go on holiday to have, well, you know...