Why I put myself through a month of self-deprivation

A road well-travelled

I came because my obesity was defeating me. I was locked into a spiral of constantly punishing myself for not winning the battle, and each failure only made the struggle worse. This made me both angry and depressed so that – in Ayurvedic terms – my Doshas were all out of balance. I sent an advance email to the doctors explaining what I wanted to achieve (I’d recommend anyone planning to come here to do the same,) and explaining that I felt confused, unstable, angry and unhappy. I wanted to find happiness in my lifestyle, which patently had the potential to be extremely fulfilling – living with a soul-mate in an idyllic location with huge opportunities to create a beautiful home. Well, it wasn’t quite that straightforward, but I knew that we had a great opportunity and I didn’t want to waste it for both of us.

Obesity is not a problem that hangs around the waistline; it exists primarily between the ears. Obesity, at least in my case, is the result of a mindset that has a deeply rooted belief that I am incapable of looking good. Consequently I have reinforced this belief by creating and maintaining superfluous body-fat. This then creates a barrier that protects me by ensuring that other people don’t get too close, which would challenge my core belief about being unlovable. The problem with all of this is that the answer is not to remove the excess weight, because the fat is the symptom, not the cause. The answer is to make drastic changes both to the mindset and to the lifestyle, which is, of course, much more difficult. As I just said, the problem is between the ears.

And part of the reason it’s tough is that when a fat person becomes slim it is deeply disturbing.

Several years ago I shed a large amount of weight through a determined programme of diet and exercise and the help of a kind and supportive dietician. I lost more than 40kg and was left with an apron of excess skin that I then had surgically removed, resulting in a dramatically different profile from the chest down. And then the weight crept back on. This was probably due at least in some part to the decision of my wonderful dietician to relocate to the West Country, which my mind foolishly, but understandably, interpreted as rejection and desertion. But the more significant reason was that I couldn’t identify with the different person that I saw in the mirror. When I see personalities who have famously changed their physique – politician Nigel Lawson and the TV personality Stephen Fry spring to mind immediately, I always sense that I can see an insecurity and fear in their eyes as they fight their demons in that same battle of coming to terms with an appearance which they strain to accept,and with which they struggle to identify.

So this time I am going home with a visibly changed physique and a different lifestyle that incorporates exercise, both out and about in the open air, and in solitary yoga. It also demands a dramatic reduction in the amounts of food and alcohol that I ingest. It’s a lot to ask.

How will the old man cope with the new man? I don’t know. What I do know is that right now I am happy and contented, and I believe that the time ahead will not slide back into the painful experiences of the past.

The biggest lesson that I have learned in my time here has been to accept myself as being OK – Lord knows I’ve struggled with that one for decades. It’s nothing to do with waistline or a general lack of athleticism, it’s about accepting myself for who I am, not for what I look like.

The biggest decision I am taking away from here with me is that having decided to accept myself, I now won’t let anyone tell me that I’m not OK. It sounds a bit like a Gay Pride anthem “I am who I am” and all that, but that’s just how it feels, - and that’s OK, too.

If you want to kick a habit, or just get away and reassess who you are and what you’re doing with your life, there’s nowhere I know that would provide a better opportunity. Just bear one thing in mind:-

Expect to change.

Thanks for following my ramblings over the past month; it’s been a wonderful experience and recording it has helped to share it and hold on to the day-to-day memories.

It's not about weight loss, but by the 23rd day on the programme, I had lost 16.8kg = 37lbs.

This is when it all begins...!